11 Things I Want for Father's Day

Originally published in HuffPost, June 19, 2015. Illustrations by the author.

Here's what I want for Father's Day. Your husband probably wants the same. 1. Sleep until 11am. A straightforward request for extended rest. Parental exhaustion is not a joke, it is a clinical condition recognized by science and my pillow.

Illustration of a bearded dad eating a messy breakfast burrito in bed with a #1 DAD mug — 2 — Breakfast burrito in bed

2. Breakfast burrito in bed. Not waffles. Not pancakes. A breakfast burrito — practical, utensil-free, filling, and designed to prevent mess. The perfect food for eating in a horizontal position.

Illustration of a bearded dad asleep after breakfast, #1 DAD mug still on the tray — 3 — Post-breakfast nap

3. Post-breakfast nap. Leonardo da Vinci was a notorious napper. I am not Leonardo da Vinci, but I do my best work in the hour after I wake up from a dream. Extend the bed phase, extend the genius phase.

Illustration of a Legolas-style elf coaching a bearded dad drawing a bow — 4 — Archery lessons from a Legolas-dressed instructor

4. Archery lessons from a Legolas-dressed instructor. No further explanation required.

Illustration of a dad under a pillow with a thought bubble of free-time wishes — beer flight, batting range, Middle Earth — 5 — Three hours of uninterrupted free time

5. Three hours of uninterrupted free time. Time is money. Temporal freedom is the most valuable gift a parent can receive. These three hours will likely be spent sleeping or watching Caddyshack, but the option to spend them otherwise is precious.

Illustration of a dad on a platform being greeted like royalty, King and I style — 6 — Children greeting me like royalty

6. Children greeting me like royalty. I'm thinking The King and I. Or The Sound of Music. The children running down the hall in an orderly formation to greet me warmly and formally. Is that so much to ask?

Illustration: crossed-out Roman emperor versus a checked Russian River Pliny the Younger growler — 7 — Pliny the Younger

7. Pliny the Younger. A rare craft beer available only in Northern California, for approximately two weeks in February. If you're reading this in June, you've missed it. Work on it for next year.

Illustration of a muscular dad flexing after surgery while a scrubbed surgeon looks on — 8 — Lap band surgery

8. Lap band surgery. A humorous acknowledgment that I would like the benefits of fitness without the attendant commitment to achieving them.

Illustration of a charming doppelgänger on a double date while the real dad watches fantasy on TV — 9 — A doppelgänger for double dates

9. A doppelgänger for double dates. A stand-in to attend social obligations with the spouses of my old college friends so I don't have to. My doppelgänger would be charming, attentive, and remember everyone's kids' names.

Illustration of Medieval Times jousting while a dad in a paper crown raises a beer and a turkey leg — 10 — Medieval Times

10. Medieval Times. Mead. Turkey legs. Staged jousting. A dinner theater where shouting is encouraged and utensils are optional. Father's Day destination of champions.

Illustration of a nightstand with adult bedtime reading — Serpico, Die Hard, and Daddy Sat on a Duck — 11 — Bedtime stories for adults

11. Bedtime stories for adults. Books featuring gritty narratives and sound effects — the kind that entertain both parent and child, but mostly the parent, after the child is asleep.

That's the list. Start shopping.