Originally published in the Men's Health MVP Network, April 22, 2015. Part of the Foiling Your Nemesis campaign. Illustrations by the author.
Totally kidding – we don't espouse violent solutions to slight inconveniences, and cold-blooded murder is never the answer. But the fact is, no matter how friendly or non-confrontational your personality, sheer probability suggests that there will always be someone in your life that you're not gonna jive with; even the Dalai Lama has a few small-town beefs. For you it might be the jerk in the office who gives everyone else pounds and waits till you pass before continuing the story of this latest weekend's debauchery with your other coworkers – or perhaps it's the sensitive ex-boyfriend who's still leaning on your girl for "relationship advice" – regardless the situation, this person is proving by his mere existence that three truly is a crowd.
If avoiding them completely is not an option – they work in your office, they're besties with your girl, or they're blood relatives, there are a few different strategies you can use to minimize the pain of their presence.
1. Kindness
This can be a great foil in the case of someone who is intentionally trying to rub you the wrong way (as opposed to people who are just passively offensive). The best outcome for them is a confrontation; they feed off it like larvae off a rotting egg – play their game and you end up an ingredient in an omelette of negativity. So next time you pass their desk and they mutter something trollish under their breath, turn around, and place a high-end swiss bonbon on their desk, smile, and walk away. You will leave them with a deliciously ironic treat to savor in mouth and mind. At that moment, they will know you know their ways, and you'll no longer be dealing with them in any kind of a sane way. People tend to avoid situations they can't control to some degree. The chocolate serves as a mini logic grenade, and its effect can be felt by all but the least perceptive. For those sub-mentals, you might need a more aggressive tactic, such as:
2. Shining A Light
Antagonism is a game certain people choose to play out to satisfy some kind of misplaced revenge fantasy resulting from a childhood of torment and exclusion. Sometimes, a firm (figurative) slap to the face can knock them out of the inertia of this emotional purgatory they reside in, and take out on you. Literally, stopping them at the next point of offense and calling "Time out." Politely invite them outside or into a quiet, unused office or the nearest coffee shop and call them out on the precise behavior you find objectionable. I.e. "Hey Chris – I notice you make a farty sound whenever I pass your desk and I just wanted to take a moment and try and understand that behavior from your perspective. Is there something you want to talk about? Perhaps something I can help you with?" Supreme court justice Louis Brandeis once said "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Sometimes simply calling out an anti-social or otherwise dysfunctional behavior can expose it to the light of logic where it will crumble like a vampire at sunrise. For those baked-on, burnt-on, grease stains of humanity, you might try:
3. Public Shaming
This is really an expansion on tactic 2, and only for extreme situations where tactics 1 and 2 have already failed. As such, it will require buy-in from not one, but two impartial advisors. As right as we all believe ourselves to be in all situations, a hallmark of true intelligence is knowing there's a possibility we might be wrong, hence the advisors. If all can agree that this person is indeed a fiendish troll with an unquenchable thirst for your blood, you might need to appeal to the masses for support, be they office mates, family members, or your social networks. Photographic or audio examples of the troll-like behavior will only help fuel your case, and may even have a chilling effect in and of themselves i.e. "What are you gonna do with that picture?" "Well, Troll, that's really up to you, now isn't it?" If they continue in a brazen campaign to take you down, then you'll need to fight fire with Facebook. The closer you stay to the truth, and the uglier the facts, the higher the chance this person will suffer the condemnation of the masses, which, let's face it, is most people's worst fear: all of a sudden everyone looks at you, points a finger, and begins whispering things to each other. You've been outed: you're an asshole!
Smells like…victory. Someday this war's gonna end.